


i’m gomez you’re morticia i feel so happy when i’m witcha

by amazingsantiago



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: B99 Fall 2019 Fic Exchange, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 15:44:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21164105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amazingsantiago/pseuds/amazingsantiago
Summary: written as part of the b99 fall 2019 fic exchange. the addams family wedding rap origin story.





	i’m gomez you’re morticia i feel so happy when i’m witcha

**Author's Note:**

> set roughly a few months after amy joins the nine-nine :)
> 
> Edit: If you're reading this after the murder of George Floyd and protests in America in May 2020, I want you to know that this is a work of fiction, based on a fictional show. This does not represent my views on real police officers. I am disgusted with the systematic racism towards black people in policing in my own country and in the US. Black Lives Matter.

Jake prides himself on being the self-confessed best detective in the Nine-Nine. His arrest numbers are off the charts. He holds the precinct record for quickest time to get a signed confession out of someone. And just last week he beat Rosa at an intense final showdown of rollerchair derby. Yet for some reason he can’t figure out what Santiago is planning on wearing to Boyle’s Halloween party.

T-minus two hours to go and it’s driving him a _little_ crazy.

“Sexy librarian?” He guesses, scrolling through a Google Image search of ladies Halloween costumes. “Sexy superhero? Sexy zombie cheerleader?”

She rolls her eyes. “Not every Halloween costume has to be sexy, Peralta.”

“The good ones do,” he says with a wink.

“Gross.” She throws her pen at him.

“I guess your costume is just gonna be super lame, Santiago,” he goads, knowing it will get a reaction out of her. She’s so competitive, it’s practically in her DNA to rise to a challenge.

“Your costume will be the costume that is lame,” she fires back. So predictable. And so adorable.

“Sick burn,” he teases. “Anyway my costume is dope.”

“Are you going as yourself? Because that’s _terrifying_.”

“Ha-ha,” he deadpans, throwing back her pen. He misses her head by a inch. “I’ll have you know, detective, I’m going as a super awesome movie character that you’ll never be able to guess-.”

Right off of the bat, she says John McClane.

Which, to be fair, is a pretty good shout. He has mentioned John McClane being his hero pretty much every day since the day they met. But, alas, he went as John McClane last year. And Jake Peralta is no outfit repeater. Not on Halloween. 

“007?”

“Nope.” He grins. “Last guess.”

She drums her fingers on her desk and bites her lip as she flicks through a mental rolodex of iconic movie characters. It’s kind of distracting how hot she looks biting her lip like that and he’s totally not listening when she speaks again. She rounds their desks and has to wave her hand directly in front of his face to snap him out of it.

“Sorry.” He blushes wildly. He’s been having a lot of those thoughts lately. About how pretty her hair looks when she wears it down. About how good she looks when she wears semi-decent clothes to Shaw’s instead of her usual grey pantsuits. About how much he loves making her laugh. Sometimes he thinks he’s developing a crush on her but then he remembers she’s his annoying, nerdy partner and thoroughly quashes any thoughts of liking her _romantic-stylez_. “What were you saying?”

“Superman,” she responds. “My final guess is Superman.”

He makes a loud buzzer noise. “While I am thrilled that you think I could save the planet, detective, you are incorrect. Again. I thought you were supposed to be the smart out of the two of us!”

“I _am_ smart.”

“Not smart enough,” he retorts. “Clearly.”

“Hey, it’s hard! You like a lot of movies! And, besides, you’ve been guessing all morning and you’ve still yet to get mine.” She smiles smugly, folding her arms across her chest.

“OK,” he responds, rubbing his hands together eagerly. “Gimme another clue.”

“I am also going as a movie character.”

“Holly Gennaro!” He guesses immediately.

She rolls her eyes. “No. Stop being so obsessed with _Die Hard_.”

“I’m not obsessed with _Die Hard_, I just know all the words and have seen all of them a thousand times.”

“Sounds pretty obsessed to me,” she nudges his shoulder. “_Die Hard_’s not the only movie out there, you know. There are other movies. Better movies.”

He gasps and recoils like Scully when he poured hot coffee all over himself. “Take that back! _Die Hard_ is the greatest movie of all time!”

“Wrong. Ignorant and wrong. _The Lion King_’s a great movie.”

“Never seen it.” He shrugs.

“You’ve never seen _The Lion King_? But it’s a _classic_. We watched it all the time when I was a kid.”

“I was alone a lot,” he explains, “single mom who worked, absentee father. I just watched sports and _Die Hard_.”

“Oh,” she whispers, making this sad, frowny face. “Wanna watch it together some time?”

“Uh, ye, yeah,” he stutters, a little taken aback at the invitation. He thought she found him childish and annoying.

“I still think you’re annoying,” she says as she returns to her desk, like she can read his mind.

“Ditto,” he grins.

++

He’s the first one to arrive.

While he normally insists on showing up at crime scenes/morning briefings/family events fashionably late, this time Boyle specifically asked him to come early and it’s his duty as The Best Friend™️ to resolve all Rosa-is-coming-to-his-party-related meltdowns.

“Smell my breath,” Boyle demands, getting _real_ close.

“OK. Personal space, Charles. We talked about this, remember?”

“Of course,” he nods, taking a few steps back. “I just don’t want Rosa to think I have bad breath when we make out.”

Jake grimaces, relieved when there’s a knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” he excuses himself before Boyle sticks his mouth in front of his face again.

He opens the door and stares at the other early bird in silence.

It’s Amy. _Of course it’s Amy_. She’s _always_ early. Even after drinks at Shaw’s, hungover, she’ll get to work forty-five minutes before she has to. It’s not surprising that she’s early, _it’s what she’s wearing_ that has him speechless.

In a long black dress with a long black wig, she is unmistakably Morticia Addams. Not as iconic as Holly Gennaro, he has to admit, but still. She’s rocking it.

The only issue?

He’s dressed as Gomez, the patriarch of the Addams family, Morticia’s husband.

They’re _matching_.

They’re wearing matching Halloween costumes!

Amy blushes beneath her heavy make-up. “Um. Nice suit.”

“Nice dress,” he responds, equally flustered.

“This is weird, right?” They say at the exact same time before dissolving into giggles.

Jake scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “I guess we’ve been spending a lot of time together the last few months. I must have telepathically given you the idea.”

“Unless I thought of it first.” She raises one eyebrow, challenging him. Before he can come up with response, Boyle appears behind them, incredibly excited about their accidental costume situation.

“It’s nothing,” Jake brushes it off.

“Yeah,” Amy agrees, still standing in the doorway. “The Addams Family are just popular Halloween costumes. That’s all.”

“It definitely means something,” he insinuates in his super high-pitched, annoying insinuating voice. “It means that you’re soulmates.”

Jake rolls his eyes. First the wedding bells comment on Amy’s first day, then the constant questions about whether she’s seeing anyone, now this. He gets that his best friend is just trying to be a good wingman or whatever but it’s A Lot. Even if he did like Amy, nothing would ever happen because she’s obviously uncomfortable about the whole thing. She is the most professional person he’s ever met and would never do anything to jeopardise her integrity at work, especially not something as scandalous as a workplace romance!

Not that anything would ever happen anyway. They’re just friends. Co-workers. _Portners_. He doesn’t even like her in a romantical way.

Sometimes, for example later in the evening when she steals his last slice of pizza, he doesn’t like her at all.

But then he tells a dumb joke and she’s the only one in Charles’ ex-wife’s, new boyfriend’s basement who laughs and he thinks that maybe Charles is right. Maybe he does have a crush on her. A little one. _Tiny_.

Not that it matters anyway. Someone like Amy would never date someone like him. They’re just too different. He’s the Gomez to her Morticia, the Detective Peralta to her Detective Santiago, and that’s all it’s ever going to be.

(Eight years later, it’s only fitting that they end their wedding day with him performing his Addams Family themed wedding vows rap in just his boxers. There’s no beat boxer and he’s horribly out of time and he’s forgotten most of the lyrics, but it’s perfect. And Charles was right after all – they are soulmates, just like Gomez and Morticia).


End file.
